I've experienced the 'surround-sound' idea of hope several times during my life. Waiting for exam results, graduating as a nurse and interviews for jobs. In 2005 I think my sense of hope was at its greatest. Hoping that I might conceive and that I might have my own child was huge. My hopes for Motherhood!! In May 2005 we were sitting in a local bar in Fuerteventura talking about our 'plans' for our return to England. I remember the evening so well, because I felt like it was a dream and I was desperately hoping it would become a reality.
I didn't have to wait too long before there was wonderful news to share with our families. Pregnant - and after our very first 'try'! It was the most amazing feeling in the world.
Only a few weeks into the pregnancy we had some devastating news, Nan was dying. I did manage to tell her our news and she had a picture of our first scan next to her bed. Seeing Nan deteriorate and watching her fade away was horrendous. There were blessings, she was able to leave hospital and my Mum, in her wonderful way, took perfect care of her. I felt so guilty at this time because I was unable to help as much as I would have wanted. I did small things, but nothing close to level of care I would have liked to have given. Nan died 1 hour after my birthday ended in September. Losing her from our lives was totally devastating. However, we had every reason to be strong because there was a new life to look forward too.
Just a few weeks after losing Nan I found out my Dad was dying. We weren't close, but nevertheless it was very sad news. While he battled against terminal cancer his main goal was to see his first Grandchild.
In October we went for the detail scan which showed a healthy baby boy! The news was perfect and I remember, so clearly, how much it lifted everyone's spirits. Mum was daring herself to be excited, despite coping with the loss of her Mum and my Dad had convinced his Consultant to give him chemotherapy in an attempt to make him live a little longer.
It was a couple of days later, that I felt a pain in the left side of my face.
That was October 2005 and here we are in January 2012. Perhaps none of the above is relevant to where I am now, but it is important to me to reflect on how much hope I felt that year and to look at the sequence of events that happened prior to the day this pain started. I am surprised that after all that has happened, that I still have hope, but obviously I do, or I wouldn't be writing this.
