Expectation

Health and well-being are very precious things. When you're fit and healthy, it isn't often that you wonder what it would be like if you suddenly woke up seriously ill, disabled or with severe chronic pain. When I was running around, working as a Senior Staff Nurse in charge of a busy acute renal ward, answering the hospital bleep and dealing with constant phone calls and, not least, taking care of my patients, I often felt lucky to be living a full life and for being well. People would talk to me about their experiences and I realised, many times, that life was incredibly precious and fragile. Nevertheless, most of the time I lived my life taking everything I had for granted, as a lot of people do.

Since my facial pain started in 2005 I've appreciated life even more. My life is no longer full and I don't remember the last time I had a sense of well-being. In fact my life is entirely predictable. Each day consists of the same things, the only variation being when I sleep or how much my pain is affecting my ability to function. If I'm awake all night I tend to sleep the following day when my body reaches a point where sleep is the only option. If I do sleep at night, it is never enough and I will always have an afternoon nap. The impact on my family and on my life with them is enormous. There are days when I hardly see Harry at all and other days when I'm with him, but the only energy I have to give is conversation or short games on the Wii. I look at him and feel such a sense of loss. I always knew what kind of Mummy I would be, playful, spontaneous and fun but with a firm set of ground rules. Perhaps I was looking at parenting through rose tinted glasses but the reality of being a Mum is far, far removed from everything I expected it to be.

Harry's arrival into this world was an induced labour at 38 weeks because I was suicidal. Being pregnant meant I couldn't take any medication for the pain and I had spent almost 15 weeks in bed in severe pain. Although everything about the pregnancy had gone smoothly I was denied the chance to enjoy it. I loved being pregnant, I was proud of my baby bump and yet the constant pain became too much for me to bear. I was desperate to give birth, not so I could hold my precious new born baby, but so I could be given medication to treat the pain. Once Harry had arrived, I expected the medication to cure the pain and I would return to my normal self. I'm so very thankful that I had no idea how it would really turn out.