The lyrics from the song You're the Inspiration by Chicago keep going through my head today. 'You're the meaning in my life, you're the inspiration. You bring feeling to my life, you're the inspiration. I want to have you near me, I want to have you hear me saying, no one needs you more than I need you'. Yes, I know it's a love song, but at the moment the lyrics are how I feel about Harry. He is the meaning in my life, he is my inspiration for living and I do believe that nobody needs him more than I do.
Where we find purpose, wherever we find the reason to wake up in the morning, whoever keeps us strong enough to push forward each moment of each day, is our inspiration and is certainly the meaning to our lives. It doesn't belittle or dismiss other people in our lives, it doesn't mean we don't love them or feel a desire to push on because of them. But, with Harry, he's a young child, almost 7 and I can't leave him. Even in my darkest place I know I have to keep going so that I'm here for him. Everyday I tell myself that he doesn't need me and in fact, he has another Mummy who will meet any need that I would meet. But I try to reassure myself that my role in his life is unique. I have to convince myself that I am essential to his life.
The truth, certainly as I see or feel it, is he would be OK without me around. I offer no positive role model to him as I always hoped I would. I never leave the house and yet I always believed I would do all kinds of things if I was lucky enough to have a child. I would have been a role model to my child as my own Mum was/is to me. But what we believe we'll do or what we think will happen, can change in a heartbeat. So much hope for the future taken away in a second and nothing I (or anyone else) can do to change it.
I can't help feeling this has gone past the realms of depression. I look, anxiously at my box of medication and just wonder...how easy it would be to end this misery. Then I hear Harry laugh or see his little face and feel the huge amount of love in my heart and then I know, that even in this place, I have only one choice...to keep on hoping.
