Image by Nikki Samuel
This post, that I made recently, really resonates with me. There are times, truly, where I really feel that I want to go to sleep and never wake up. There are times when I feel defeated by this pain, the side effects of the medication, the losses, the harsh reality of my existence. But when I feel stronger and I'm not feeling that sense of utter despair, I realise that I actually want something or someone to save me. By someone or something, I suppose I mean a Doctor or a Surgeon, to make me well again and give me back my life and all of those things that I took for granted.
So when I see someone feeling desperate and defeated, I believe they really want an answer, a cure, something more than a mere existence. Given the choice we'd choose life, free from this awful pain and rid of the ridiculous amount of medications that we need to keep in constant supply. All are either addictive or would be dangerous to just stop without being weaned off of them.
Given the choice, I choose life. I choose to be saved. I don't want to die and leave those that I love and who love me, I want to enjoy them everyday and smile at the small things that I know I miss all the time. I want to take Harry swimming, cycling, walking, to the movies, the theatre, on a train and to get him involved in community events. Instead, I have to rely on other people doing these things with him and to be honest, we aren't surrounded by lots of family and friends who can do all of these things. He's 7 and not only have I missed so much with him, he's missed out on so many activities and fun, exciting adventures that I believed I would be able to offer him if I had been able to be the Mum I believed I would be.
No, I don't want to die. I want to live. I want my life back but here in the present with my little boy and my Wife. But I can't have that. There's nothing coming along to 'save me' because there's nothing else that can be done to help me. So do I want to die? Sometimes, yes, sometimes, no. That's as honest as I can be.
