Each Moment

It still amazes me that pain, discomfort, mood and tolerance can alter within just a moment. I still find this surprises me and catches me off guard. My pain level has already varied several times today, from reasonably manageable to a burning sensation with ice picks being poked into my teeth, eye and ear. Inevitably this affects my mood and brings me down, never really getting the opportunity to recharge. My tolerance is something I watch lately. I see myself able to cope with general conversations and I think 'Yes, I can do this'. Then it alters, it builds up or suddenly there are the burning ice picks and I'm in a completely different place. I don't want to talk, I don't want to do anything, see anyone or even be awake. Today I'm aware that I have to take something to make me sleep. Otherwise I will go crazy, crazier than I already am! Plus, I start to think 'No, I can't do this' which is a very negative place to be.

I try not to talk to anyone about my fears, my health worries, my general concerns about what's going on. I know people worry about me, and I feel like they can't cope with anything else being thrown at them. It is my way of protecting them I think.

The last several months have been a difficult time. I don't need to go into more details about that, I don't want to revisit that over and over again. But I do notice things about myself that feel 'different'.

I need to talk about this with my doctor, though actually getting to the doctors surgery seems to be more difficult than you can imagine. If I'm awake all night, all I want to do is sleep. Then another day has past and we're onto another night of sleeplessness. I'm certain I have some insomnia problems, that aren't all due to pain, but also the things that still haunt me. But then a night can come along where, despite the pain and memories I sleep for a good 6 hours. Everyday might look and feel the same, but to be honest, it couldn't be further than the truth. My world can change in a matter of minutes and my ability to cope alters with it.

I need to do more positive thinking.